This past week did not go as planned – at least, not as I planned. I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for this coming Wednesday, Oct 3rd, after which I hoped to share the exciting news of baby #5 joining our family, with you all. But, Tuesday afternoon that all changed.
Early that afternoon I began experiencing some mild cramping. By2:30pmthe cramping had intensified and I noticed some bright red blood. I called my doctor and they gave me the instructions, “Wait and see.” So we waited. By9pmthe cramping was so intense I knew what was coming. I knew that within 24 hours I would no longer be carrying this child. My hopes of holding our precious baby were now gone. I made the necessary calls and my10:45pmI was sitting in the ER – waiting. By4:30aman ultrasound confirmed that I had indeed suffered every pregnant woman’s worst fear – a miscarriage.
Just 24 hours earlier the Hubster and I were talking about how we wanted to announce our newest blessing on the blog. I was already “fretting” over when to have my c-section since I was due April 3rd. I knew I wanted to be at church for Easter Sunday, so I was trying my best to work it all out. I had already looked at pregnancy tickers for the blog, so that you all could follow my pregnancy. We had decided not to find out the sex of the baby just to change things up a bit this time.
Several years ago we gave our family size (among other aspects of our lives) over to the Lord for His directing. We are blessed beyond our wildest dreams to be the parents of these 4 precious lives here on earth and the 5 that have already reached Heaven’s gates. If the Lord sees fit to bless us with more children, we will be honored. But, this is where I’m struggling today – if He doesn’t, am I going to be content?
I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted a large family. But I am finding it difficult to be content with never having more children. I know I am blessed to have the 4 healthy children I have. But, right now…this week…I miss the 5 I never met. Yes, I am sad that I will never hold those sweet babies in my arms this side of Heaven. But, I rest in the hope that I will one day hold my babies and be reunited with those I love, who have gone before me.
This week, several verses have comforted me. First is my oldest son’s Handwriting verse for the week. “All things were made through Him, and without Him was not any thing made that was made.” John 1:3 (ESV) Second, is from Job1:21, “And he said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’” (ESV)
Those two verses confirm to me that God is GoodALLthe time. In the good times and in tragedy. God’s plan is always in place. There is nothing that happens in this world that God does not already know about. In His infinite knowledge, God knew exactly how this would turn out. I find comfort in knowing that in His sovereignty God created all of my children and in that same sovereignty, God has given us 4 children thus far to raise here on earth for His glory and the other 5 He has called home. My earthly being longs for my other children, but I am able to rest in the fact that God has a plan and nothing happens on this earth that is not in His plan!
It is going to take some time for me to heal both physically and emotionally from this miscarriage. But by the grace of God I will be whole in Him again. And it is because of that grace and hope that I am able to survive this loss.
So, if you think about us this week, please pray for our little family. My oldest son is having a difficult time processing it all, especially with the other tragedy and loss we’ve had this year. The Littles do not really understand what’s going on, just that mommy is having a hard time right now. The Hubster is back at work, so the nights are long and hard here by myself.
Thank you for the blessing that you all are in my life.