If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you know that my earthly Father was called Home back on February 14, 2012. To say this has been the most difficult trial in my life thus far seems like quite the understatement. At times it is gut-wrenching how much pain I feel. So Father’s Day this year was not something I wanted to happen, nor did I look forward to it. In fact, I was so beyond stressed and anxious about it that I made myself physically ill.
I have several theories as to why I became so ill. ONE: Obvious, but true…this is my first Father’s Day without him. TWO: I have been missing him more and more lately, which made it that much harder. THREE: The Hubster works overnight shifts Fri – Tue and I knew he would be sleeping away his Father’s Day on Sunday afternoon, which would leave me completely alone in the house with no husband OR Father to celebrate. FOUR: Being the oldest child, I have always taken it upon myself to “shoulder” the emotions of others. I don’t know why…I just do. I am compassionate to a fault, according to my husband. Not always a bad thing, but in this case…it was not good. At least not for me.
So, let’s take these one at a time, shall we? First, it was my first Father’s Day without him. I knew it was going to be a difficult day for me for that reason alone. We never did big, huge shindigs at our house for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but just the simple fact that I couldn’t call, text or even walk to his house and hug him on Father’s Day was hard.
Second, I have been missing him more and more lately. I’m not sure why that is other than I’ve had more time to reflect on things with my being sick and stuck in a hospital room for days. My dad would have visited me daily and called or texted to check on me and I missed that. I know I will always miss him, but that doesn’t make it any easier to go through this transition and change. So, I am learning to live life without him and keep on going. I know he would not want me to dwell on him because he is HOME!!
Third, yes this may sound silly to some of you, but it was so much a part of my anxiety for the weekend. You see, our Sunday schedules go something like this:
6:20amget up, shower, get dressed
7:15amThe Hubster arrives home from work
7:30am everyone but Miss Smiley out of bed for breakfast
8:00amstart dressing kiddos & getting them ready; get Miss Smiley up
8:20amfinish getting myself ready
8:35amload car for church
8:55amarrive at church
Noon– lunch after church
1:30pm–All 3 littles and The Hubster are in bed
You see, since the Hubster works overnights, he comes home from work and stays up through lunch on Sundays so he can attend church with us. Then he sleeps from about1:30until8pm(sometimes I let him sleep longer it depends on how the kids cooperate at bedtime). That leaves me most of the afternoon and evening doing nothing. I knew if I didn’t have him awake to help diffuse some of my anxiety about Father’s Day I was going to be a wreck. I was absolutely dreading this day, because normally I would have taken some of my afternoon to go down and sit with my dad and just talk. So when the Hubster decided it best he stay home Saturday and Sunday I thought all the anxiety would just melt away. It didn’t, but I sure am glad he was here with me!!
Lastly, I know this may sound crazy, but I literally put the weight of the world on my shoulders over this holiday. Or rather…my brothers. You see, June 17th was a day of many firsts in our family. Not only was it Father’s Day, but it was also my oldest-younger brothers birthday – his first without our Dad. I had my birthday back in April and I know how difficult it was to celebrate without him here and I knew my brother would likely have similar feelings and I felt them for him. It was also my youngest brothers First Father’s Day as a Father-to-be. My Dad loved being “Papa D” and one of the things my youngest brother mentioned to me while my dad was in the hospital was that he was sad that our dad would never know any of his kids and that his kids would never meet him here on earth. And I just felt so blessed that my older kids knew him, even if for a short time; yet so heartbroken that my youngest one and any other grandchildren that come along in the family will never know him. I know I brought all this on myself so I don’t need the comments on that, but it was a terribly difficult day for me.
Now that being said…I must say that I am truly blessed to have had the 34 years I did with my Dad. He changed so much over the last 5 years and really became the Man of God he was born to be!! I had my Daddy longer than most and not as long as others. Nevertheless, I am blessed and honored to have called him “Dad.” I am also honored to have a godly man in my husband. Before my Dad passed away, my husband spent some one-on-one time with him in his room. They liked to have deep-theological discussions on many occasions and this was no different. But this time he also gave him words that impacted my husband more than anyone will ever know. Not only did he ask him to speak at his funeral and gave him the exact Scripture (Romans 12:1-2), he also told him that he was so proud of him and that he couldn’t “have asked for a better husband for his daughter.” Now that spoke volumes to both the Hubster and I. I knew my dad liked my husband and even loved him like one of his own children (as he did his 2 daughters-in-law too), but I never knew it was to that extent. Most of the time my Dad was joking around and teasing people. But not this time. What a treasured memory that is for the Hubster and I both.
So, I hope you will forgive me for not posting the last few weeks and especially on Father’s Day. It was just too much for me to take in at the time. Thankfully this week I have been able to process and decompress and reflect happily on my Daddy. Yes, I will miss him, but I am so very thankful that he is HOME and I will see him again!!!!
I love you Daddy!!!!
Linking up here today: