Today, I am honored to have a friend of mine sharing with us on a difficult subject. Lindsey and I attended college together, but were never really close friends. Sadly, it wasn’t until we both suffered several miscarriages that we began talking and sharing with each other. Since then we have become closer and know we can share our heartaches with each other during those tough days. I want to thank her for joining in this series and talking on a subject so close to her heart.
My first pregnancy was fun.
I enjoyed nearly every moment of it: the kicks, the maternity clothes, the anticipation, and the sight of my growing belly. I especially enjoyed how close I felt to my husband.
I was completely oblivious to the fact that one in three to four pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I learned quickly, though, because my second, third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies all ended in miscarriage.
Four miscarriages in two years wreaked havoc on nearly every aspect of my life. The two most significant areas of my life they affected were my faith and my marriage.
Today, I want to share with you some ways to maintain your marriage after a miscarriage.
1. Give each other some grace.
Because both of you are grieving, it’s important to give each other plenty of grace. Grief can make you angry, irritable, or weepy. When two people are in different parts of the grief cycle, it’s easy to understand why conflicts arise.
For the months (and possibly years) following a miscarriage, try your best to extend grace to your partner. You are both hurting, and fighting with one another will only make the pain greater.
2. Recognize your grief might be different than your spouse’s grief.
After our first miscarriage, I struggled to understand my husband. He didn’t appear to grieve at all over our loss.
Didn’t he care about the baby?
Wasn’t he even sad?
What I failed to realize was that he was grieving, just differently than I. Don’t expect your spouse’s grief to look like yours. Instead, allow him to grieve however he needs to grieve.
Your husband will not understand how you are feeling if you don’t tell him. Make a consistent effort to talk to him about your feelings.
You don’t have to go through this alone, but he can’t help you if he doesn’t know what you need.
4. Go away together.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage is go away together.
Take a week (or even a couple of days) and go on a trip with your spouse. Spend time reconnecting with the one you love.
One thing to keep in mind, though, is that miscarriages often affect intimacy. A woman might fear another miscarriage and therefore avoid intimacy altogether. Or she might want to get pregnant so badly that she pressures her partner so much that it becomes a chore.
What used to be something that was fun and fulfilling can easily become scary and upsetting.
Give yourself some time, absolutely, but don’t give up on intimacy altogether. Allow this loss to bring you and your spouse together-not push you apart.
5. Take care of yourself.
Give yourself time and permission to work through the pain of this loss. Some women need more time than others. Don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling (whether it’s because you think you are healing too fast or too slow). Just allow yourself to heal, however long it takes.
Babyloss has the potential to either tear your marriage apart or bring it together.
Let’s Talk: What other ways can you maintain your marriage after a loss? Leave a comment to be entered to win a gift card from Lindsey for her blog tour contest!
Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a new parenting devotional. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:
Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com
Her website: www.lindseymbell.com
About Searching for Sanity:
Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?
Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.