Day 11 ~ Maintaining Your Marriage after a Miscarriage {guest post}

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Today, I am honored to have a friend of mine sharing with us on a difficult subject. Lindsey and I attended college together, but were never really close friends. Sadly, it wasn’t until we both suffered several miscarriages that we began talking and sharing with each other. Since then we have become closer and know we can share our heartaches with each other during those tough days. I want to thank her for joining in this series and talking on a subject so close to her heart.

Day 11_Miscarriage

My first pregnancy was fun.

I enjoyed nearly every moment of it: the kicks, the maternity clothes, the anticipation, and the sight of my growing belly. I especially enjoyed how close I felt to my husband.

I was completely oblivious to the fact that one in three to four pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I learned quickly, though, because my second, third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies all ended in miscarriage.

Four miscarriages in two years wreaked havoc on nearly every aspect of my life. The two most significant areas of my life they affected were my faith and my marriage.

Today, I want to share with you some ways to maintain your marriage after a miscarriage.

5 ways to maintain your marriage after a miscarriage

1. Give each other some grace.

Because both of you are grieving, it’s important to give each other plenty of grace. Grief can make you angry, irritable, or weepy. When two people are in different parts of the grief cycle, it’s easy to understand why conflicts arise.

For the months (and possibly years) following a miscarriage, try your best to extend grace to your partner. You are both hurting, and fighting with one another will only make the pain greater.

2. Recognize your grief might be different than your spouse’s grief.

After our first miscarriage, I struggled to understand my husband. He didn’t appear to grieve at all over our loss.

Didn’t he care about the baby?

Wasn’t he even sad?

What I failed to realize was that he was grieving, just differently than I. Don’t expect your spouse’s grief to look like yours. Instead, allow him to grieve however he needs to grieve.

3. Talk.

Your husband will not understand how you are feeling if you don’t tell him. Make a consistent effort to talk to him about your feelings.

You don’t have to go through this alone, but he can’t help you if he doesn’t know what you need.

4. Go away together.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage is go away together.

Take a week (or even a couple of days) and go on a trip with your spouse. Spend time reconnecting with the one you love.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that miscarriages often affect intimacy. A woman might fear another miscarriage and therefore avoid intimacy altogether. Or she might want to get pregnant so badly that she pressures her partner so much that it becomes a chore.

What used to be something that was fun and fulfilling can easily become scary and upsetting.

Give yourself some time, absolutely, but don’t give up on intimacy altogether. Allow this loss to bring you and your spouse together-not push you apart.

5. Take care of yourself.

Give yourself time and permission to work through the pain of this loss. Some women need more time than others. Don’t beat yourself up about how you’re feeling (whether it’s because you think you are healing too fast or too slow). Just allow yourself to heal, however long it takes.

Babyloss has the potential to either tear your marriage apart or bring it together.

Let’s Talk: What other ways can you maintain your marriage after a loss? Leave a comment to be entered to win a gift card from Lindsey for her blog tour contest!

This post is part of a Lindsey’s blog tour for Searching for Sanity, her new parenting devotional. You can read other posts in this tour by going to her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com.

LindseyBell_HeadshotAbout Lindsey Bell:

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a new parenting devotional. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:

Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com

Her website: www.lindseymbell.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell

Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01

 

 

Searching for Sanity_Lindsey Bell

 

About Searching for Sanity:

Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?

Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.

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Annette has been married to her husband and best friend since 2003. Together they are raising their six children to follow the Lord’s will, no matter what. Annette longs for the day when she will meet all her angel babies who have entered heaven before her. She enjoys creating fun and engaging printables, unit studies and curriculum for homeschool families. You can follow her crazy life at In All You Do where she blogs about marriage, parenting, and homeschooling all while maintaining her sanity. She is also the owner of Thrifty Homeschoolers, where she shares free printables and resources from around the web as well as deals on curriculum and homeschooling resources. You can also keep up with her via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

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This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. I *needed* this post today. I am still trying to recover emotionally from a miscarriage 4 months ago … and wishing I was pregnant again, at the same time not feeling adequate enough with the blessings I already have. It can feel like a real whirlwind inside of me sometimes. 🙁 Thank you for sharing!

    1. Hi Jackie, I can relate so much. Every time I lost a baby, I struggled between feeling so upset about the loss but then feeling terrible that I wasn’t thankful for the blessings I did have. Give yourself some time. It takes a long time to heal (and really, I don’t think you ever do heal completely) from miscarriages. Prayers for you today.

    2. Oh @jackieladomato:disqus I am so sorry you’re going through this. It really does take a while to heal. Each one of my miscarriages was different. But know that you are not alone!!! Thank you for stopping by and you will be in my prayers as you continue to heal.

  2. Thanks so much for having me on your blog, Annette! It’s a privilege to be here again!

    1. Thank you for being open and willing, @disqus_04nM5iW65m:disqus!!! You are a blessing!

  3. These are all very true statements… When we had our miscarriage, we were very supportive to each other, but over time I could tell it impacted us differently. My husband was affected more initially (I was still in survivor mode and still needing to be strong to get through the physical “stuff”) It was a very deep wound for me, so the grief lasted much longer for me. In a way it was a blessing because we could be strong for each other when we needed it. But really seeking the comfort of THE Comforter was what helped the most! The God of all Comfort and Compassion… made me realize even more the sacrifice of His Son and how much He Loves us to experience that pain.

    1. @adrianaharle:disqus thanks for stopping by. I am so sorry you suffered a miscarriage. I can totally relate. I was in survivor mode in the beginning – especially after we had other children and then suffered a miscarriage. I am so glad you found healing in THE Comforter!!!! Praying for you!

    2. Hi Adriana, My husband and I did that at times too. When I was a mess, he was strong. Then when I was functioning (can’t really say strong), I was able to help him through.

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