There are some questions we should really stop asking.
I didn’t realize this until about 5 years ago when I started losing babies.
Before that time, I was oblivious to how much a simple question could hurt someone. I had no idea that asking someone, “So, when are you going to have another child?” could make her want to roll into a ball and cry.
It was only when I experienced it myself that I realized how painful certain questions can be.
One Question We Should All Stop Asking:
So, when are you going to start having babies?
It’s such a simple question, and one newly married couples are asked often. (I’ve asked it myself many times.)
But the truth is, fertility is such a personal and sensitive matter. Who knows? That person you’re asking might have just lost a baby. Or maybe she’s just been told she will probably never be able to have children. Or maybe she and her husband have decided they don’t want any children.
Because we don’t know what someone else is quietly going through, it’s best to avoid this question all together.
That goes for similar questions too, questions like…
When are you going to give your child a sibling?
Don’t you want a girl?
Now that you have your girl, don’t you want a little boy?
Why are you guys waiting so long to have kids?
Don’t you want kids?
I have two little boys whom I adore, but I long for a baby girl. I also long to carry another baby to term. To feel a baby move in my belly again. I’m so thankful for the one child I was able to carry to term, but I miss that so much. With my other four pregnancies, we didn’t make it far enough to feel them move.
So when someone asks me questions like these about wanting another child, a battle rages within me.
Do I tell them the truth about how much I really want a baby but haven’t been able to have another healthy child since my son was born 7 years ago? Or do I just smile and say something like, “Maybe someday.”
People have the best of intentions when they ask this question. They don’t mean to bring up a sensitive topic. Usually, they’re simply making conversation.
But the truth is, almost 11% of couples in the US have impaired fertility. That’s about 6.7 million people. (Stats from the CDC website).
There’s a pretty good chance some of your friends and acquaintances struggle with fertility. Approximately one in 3-4 pregnancies ends in miscarriages. There’s a pretty good chance someone you know has gone through (or is currently going through) a loss.
So maybe it’s time we stop asking these questions. Maybe it’s time we come up with other things to have small talk about.
This post is part of the Marriage & Motherhood Mondays series. To see others in this series, simply click the image below.