Resting in Jesus’ Arms

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As we walked into the room for our ultrasound there was a heavy weight on my shoulders. For several weeks I have had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know why, but I truly believed something was terribly wrong. However, my husband, family and friends kept telling me to trust and not worry…so I did.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and preparations. Today my child is resting safely in the arms of Jesus...too soon. ::

Even though we joked and poked fun at our two-hour wait for the ultrasound to begin (yes…we waited for two solid hours), I was desperately trying to remove doubt and fear from my mind, but it would not budge. So as we entered the room and I got ready for the ultrasound I was suddenly at peace. Not because I was convinced everything would be fine, but because my trust and hope is in the One who holds time in His hands.

So before she began the ultrasound, I mentioned that we didn’t want to know the sex of the baby this time. She assured us that she would not reveal the sex and would tell us when to turn away. Then we began. Almost immediately I knew something was wrong.

The baby wasn’t moving.

Although I was only 18 weeks along, my babies move constantly from the moment they can. Just last month on the doppler we could not only hear the heartbeat, but also all the movement going on inside.

After she finished the first part of the ultrasound, she moved on to the anatomy portion. And that’s when she begin to ask questions.

When was your last appointment?

And they heard a heartbeat? Was that on a doppler or via ultrasound?

And everything was okay?

And that’s when I knew.

Our baby was gone.

Our baby was no longer growing inside me.

Our baby was now resting in the arms of Jesus.

A strange wave of relief washed over me. While I wanted the outcome to be different – so very different, it was nice to know the feelings I had experienced over the last few weeks were in some strange way validated.

The doctor was called in to confirm what the tech had seen and gave her condolences. She then left to consult with my personal doctor. We were asked to stop by their office on our way home to discuss the next step.

We left the office that day with no sweet pictures of our baby, only the image of the curled up fetus etched in my brain – forever.

The spine looked perfect.

Even the hands and feet looked perfect.

But the heart had stopped.

My baby was gone.

We drove to pick up our children from my cousins house, who was so gracious and kind to keep four crazy kids while we went to the doctor that morning. We left her house and started the hour drive to my doctors office.

All I had to do was speak my name and I could tell…they were “expecting me.” They were so sweet and kind. I didn’t wait long and was escorted back to a room. The doctor came in and we discussed the options available to me.

“There are three options, but only two I think are really viable for you.” She began. It seemed like a dream. I was still in a fog. I was supposed to be celebrating this growing, thriving life inside of me and anticipating the reveal of our newest child in just a few months. And here I was listening to how best to remove this once vibrant life from my body.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and preparations. Today my child is resting safely in the arms of Jesus...too soon. ::
As I listened to her, I’m not sure how much of it soaked in at first. She asked what I’d like to do, but I knew I needed my husband’s input before such a decision was made. So we called him on speaker phone since he was in the car with our other 4 children. She once again explained all three options and why she felt only two of them were actually considerable. I retained more that time around and suddenly I was overcome with sorrow. A deep sorrow that I was not expecting. I was really planning a funeral of sorts for my child. One I would never hold.

Now, I will tell you this is not our first miscarriage, but the others were fairly early in the first trimester, so these emotions were really new to me. While I felt a loss with each of them, this was different. We had passed the “threshold” of when it’s supposedly safe to tell people you’re expecting. We had announced it all over Facebook. Our family was getting excited and we had even received our first gift for the new baby – a blanket from my Mother-in-Love. The kids were getting excited and anticipating the day they would feel and see the baby move in Mommi’s tummy. And all that came to a screeching halt with one swipe of the ultrasound wand.

So today I will go to the hospital for surgery. A surgery that will remove our precious baby from my body. I will enter a pregnant mother and come home without a child in my arms. The recovery will be difficult, because my body will still recover in much the same way it would after a live birth. Only this time my contractions will not be comforted by the tiny baby nursing in my arms.

This time they will be empty.

This time I will cling to the other four blessings the Lord has entrusted to me.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and preparations. Today my child is resting safely in the arms of Jesus...too soon. ::
While we are saddened by this turn of events, we also know that our hope is not in the things of this world.

It is in the One who sits on the throne.

It is in the One who spoke the universe into existence.

It is in the One who holds my tiny angel in his loving arms.

It is in the One who wraps His arms around me and comforts me during those sleepless nights to come.

It is in Jesus who gives me peace and comfort and HOPE in life everlasting.

I want you all to know that while I am deeply saddened by this news, I am not offended when people post pictures of their growing bellies and new babies. In fact, I find it comforting and encouraging. I am comforted in the fact that you did not experience the pain I have felt. And I am encouraged, because we serve a MIGHTY God and creator of life! So please, you will never hurt my feelings by posting pictures of your precious newborns or ultrasound pictures. Yes, there is a part of me that aches for my angel babies, but there is a greater part of me that rejoices with you and the new life God has entrusted you with. Motherhood is my greatest accomplishment and the hardest “job” I have ever held in my life. And I am thrilled you are now on this journey with me.

Blessings sweet friends.

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Annette has been married to her husband and best friend since 2003. Together they are raising their six children to follow the Lord’s will, no matter what. Annette longs for the day when she will meet all her angel babies who have entered heaven before her. She enjoys creating fun and engaging printables, unit studies and curriculum for homeschool families. You can follow her crazy life at In All You Do where she blogs about marriage, parenting, and homeschooling all while maintaining her sanity. She is also the owner of Thrifty Homeschoolers, where she shares free printables and resources from around the web as well as deals on curriculum and homeschooling resources. You can also keep up with her via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.
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This Post Has 25 Comments

  1. So sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Annette. Your family is in my prayers <3

    1. Thank you for the prayers.

  2. Praying for you dear friend! Your baby is absolutely beautiful – that picture is so precious! I’m so grateful that you know and love our Savior and rejoice that your baby is in His arms! Lifting you and your family up in prayer!

    1. Thank you. I guess it doesn’t matter when a picture of your child was taken – they are always beautiful and precious!

  3. I’m praying for you, Annette, today and in the days to come.

  4. <3 you sweet friend. I'm praying for you and wish I was closer. <3

    1. Thank you, Misty. I do too!

  5. Annette, so very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. I have lost 3 babies myself, and look forward to the day when I will meet them in heaven. My faith in the Lord’s sovereign plan is what got me through, and it sounds like you have that same wonderful gift. Thank you for sharing your pain and your ultimate hope. ((HUGS))

    1. Thank you for the prayers Colleen. Many blessings to you.

  6. Prayers for you, precious mommy. We lost our daughter at 24 weeks. I knew as soon as the u/s started that I wasn’t seeing her heartbeat before the tech even said anything. Thank you for being a good mama to your child for all the days God appointed. Get rest. Cry. Scream, if you have to. There are no rules. May our Lord comfort you and your family as only He can.

    1. Oh Bonnie, I am so sorry you had to endure the pain and loss no parent should feel. But, we will see them again. Thank you for the prayers. Blessings to you.

  7. Dear Annette,

    You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. I rejoice with you in the blessed hope that you will see your precious babies again in Heaven.

    May God’s peace and comfort fill your hearts and your home in the days and months ahead.

    With love,

    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. They are truly felt. Blessings…

  8. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish you and your Family well at this most difficult time.

  9. I am so sorry, Annette. Praying for all of you.

    1. Thank you, Mary. Your prayers are felt and so appreciated.

  10. I stopped over here after visiting for the Back to Homeschool blog hop. Your words are so full of hope and life. I just wanted to say that I appreciated reading this, knowing personally how hard these can be to write and share. This is beautiful and kind and hopeful. Thank you for writing it and I pray that it will bless many, many others through the years.

    1. Oh Lori, I’m so glad you stopped by here too. Thank you. You are right, they are never easy to write, but I have been so blessed by those it has touched that I’m so glad I wrote it.

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