If you’ve been around this blog for any length of time, you know I have suffered several miscarriages. FIVE to be exact. Yes, you read that right – I have 5 Angel Babies waiting for me in heaven. Each one of them was different and came with it’s own difficulties. But in each situation, one thing is constant – God’s love. While I might have lost sight of God’s love for me during the pain and agony, it was His love and peace that brought me back to my family. Brought me back to living again.
The first miscarriage was a tubal pregnancy and I barely had time to get used to the idea of being pregnant before the symptoms started. And within 2 days I was no longer pregnant. The second miscarriage was a little more difficult, since it was the first pregnancy with my husband and we were approaching the 12 week mark. We were both devastated, but felt an overwhelming peace that only God can bring. The third miscarriage was completely different from anything I had previously experienced, because it was a twin of Miss Priss. It simply quit growing around 9 weeks and dissolved into the wall of my uterus. I must admit that one almost doesn’t feel real, since I did not have a surgery or experience any bleeding. The fourth one came soon after my Dad’s death and again, I barely knew I was pregnant before the cramping and bleeding started.
The fifth one, however, was probably the most physically painful one of them all. I started cramping early in the morning but no signs of blood. It was only a few hours before the bleeding began and the cramping became so intense that I nearly passed out. My mom and grandma took me to the hospital where I delivered my baby on the floor of the waiting room bathroom. There are no words to describe seeing your child on the cold, unsanitary floor of a hospital bathroom. My heart ached and I wept. Actually, I sobbed. The tears seem to flow easily as I thought of all the activities I would miss doing with the baby. My heart hurt so much more than I ever thought possible when I realized I would never hold this baby or smell that intoxicating baby powder scent on her tiny body. Rather than leaving the hospital with a new baby, I left with an empty womb and an empty heart.
It took me months to recover emotionally from this miscarriage. But through that dark time in my life, God was teaching me, molding me and stretching me beyond what I could have ever imagined. During this time, the Lord taught me 5 very important lessons.
5 Lessons God taught me through Miscarriage
- He is in control. No matter how hard I try to control things in my life, He is always in control. Nothing happens on this earth without Him knowing about it. Nothing happens to His children without His watchful eye still on them. Although there were times I felt alone, He was always there with me…holding me and comforting me.
- There is a bigger picture. Since I am not in control, I cannot see the “bigger picture.” When I miscarried last fall, I couldn’t see past my own pain. Just 9 months earlier my Dad has passed away after a very short battle with cancer and I really thought this new life growing inside of me was God’s way of sharing something good with my family after my Dad’s passing. However, the bigger picture did not become clear until March of this year – nearly 6 months later. The Lord called our family to a ministry in Indiana, over 600 miles away from all our family and friends. He knew, in His omniscient wisdom, that I would not be able to handle the stress of moving and the 11+ hour drive with a 3-week old. God’s plans are so much better than ours!! Paul says in Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (ESV) All things work together for good. Now that is hard to swallow when something devastating happens in your life. But, if you understand that the “good” Paul is talking about is God’s standard of good in relation to HIS purpose – then it all becomes clear. God is in control and His plans are much, much, MUCH bigger than mine!! He uses the trials and tribulations in our life to shape us and mold us into who He sees us to be – in Christ Jesus.
- Patience. This seems to be a theme throughout all different aspects of my life. I guess that means I need a lot of work in this area! But seriously…we put our trust in God to plan our family size according to His will and often times I tend to try and step in. I might pray for a new baby now, when God’s plan is to wait. Waiting on God’s timing rather than my own is not easy. For me it all comes down to being content. Which leads me to my next point.
- Being Content. I never considered myself a needy person. It took a crisis (or ten) to show me just how selfish I really was. When I really stopped to look at myself, I was appalled. I found myself wishing I had married sooner so I could have 6 kids like so-and-so. I found myself emotionally longing for more children, rather than being content with the ones the Lord has blessed me with. Now, I’m not going to say I have this one figured out by any means, but the Lord is working on my heart and teaching me how to be content with not only the children He’s entrusted to me here on earth, but also with His timing of whether we have any more or not.
- I am a Mom – here and now. The Lord has blessed me with 4 beautiful, active, vibrant and full-of-life children that I have the pleasure of raising here on earth. While I will always long to meet my other babies, I must be the Mom God has called me to be here and now. These precious children are such a JOY in my life. They can make my day with a simple half-grin and big squeezing hug!! Do I wonder what life would be like with any one (or all) of those extra kiddos running around? YES!! Does that make my life any less meaningful because I only have 4 instead of the 7 or 8 I would love to have? NO!!! I am learning to be the best Mom for my children and enjoy every moment with them!!
Is this journey complete? No. God is continually teaching me and revealing His mighty power to me through His Word. What I do know is that I am blessed beyond measure. And even though I would rather not go through the pain and suffering, I am amazed at how God is using those situations to change me into the woman He wants me to be. And for that…it’s all worth it!!!