The Mother I will never be…

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This past week has been difficult. Sometimes I handle it well and other times it sneaks up on me.

The pain.

The grief.

It hit like a ton of bricks.

The mother I will never be. Her mother.

The reality that I no longer have a baby in the house hit me square between the eyes. And then I remembered the Mother I would never be... :: www.inallyoudo.net

This past week I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. And it hit me hard. I’ve seen many friends posting about their new arrivals or the movement they are feeling and it makes me sad. Sad that I’m not feeling our precious Isabelle Faith moving inside me. Sad that I won’t have a new baby to share with the world in a few short weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing those sweet baby faces cross my Facebook and Instagram feed. I just wish I was sharing mine too.

As much as I wanted our youngest to potty train, that also makes me sad. Now that she is going pee and poo in the potty all on her own – with very few accidents, even at night – the reality that I no longer have a baby in the house hit me square in the eyes.

WHAAAT?!

That was not an emotion I expected. I am thrilled I don’t have to spend my day changing diapers. I really am. But, then I realized…I may never change another diaper on a child of my own. And that made me reflect on the precious babies I have never even held.

I love babies.

I always have.

And I always wanted babies in my house. As many as the Lord allowed. But, I’m not sure I’m ready for this new stage of “no babies” in the house. I’m really not.

I miss the sleepless nights when I held them so close to me.

When they relied on me for everything.

When they were content to lay in my arms and sleep for hours.

And the reality that I may not have that again is difficult to face.

I’m just missing my little girl today.

Wondering if she would look just like the others did when she was born.

Wondering about her personality.

Wondering if the others would have doted on her all day.

Wondering what life would have been like with 5 kids.

love being a Mom and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And I know this new phase of life has it’s perks. I just wasn’t ready to leave the baby stage. Not quite yet.

Join us for Marriage and Motherhood Mondays!! :: www.inallyoudo.net

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Annette has been married to her husband and best friend since 2003. Together they are raising their six children to follow the Lord’s will, no matter what. Annette longs for the day when she will meet all her angel babies who have entered heaven before her. She enjoys creating fun and engaging printables, unit studies and curriculum for homeschool families. You can follow her crazy life at In All You Do where she blogs about marriage, parenting, and homeschooling all while maintaining her sanity. She is also the owner of Thrifty Homeschoolers, where she shares free printables and resources from around the web as well as deals on curriculum and homeschooling resources. You can also keep up with her via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.
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This Post Has 10 Comments

  1. 2 years ago the first week of April, i lost my baby girl at 16 weeks. Skye Celia. I miss her every day. I am devastated that my 2 year old daughter will never have a little sister to play with. Your post spoke to my heart. It aches with your heart. I pray for peace for you this week. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other.

    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. I miss all my angel babies, but this one is particularly hard as we were so far along. May God also give you peace.
      Blessings ~ Annette

  2. I appreciate your candidness and I pray for peace and healing for you. I have had an angel in Heaven praying for me since Dec 2011. I have had a baby since then, but I too am so sad to see all the baby phases go as I believe this may be our last. She is two. God bless!

    1. Thank you for stopping by and sharing with me. Your prayers are so appreciated. I pray peace for you as well.
      Blessings ~ Annette

  3. I am praying for your heart, Annette. Blessings to you!

    1. Thank you Tara. Prayers are what get me through those tough days.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what you’re going through and can’t even imagine it. I’m trying to get pregnant right now and every month when I realize I’m not pregnant, it’s so hard.

    1. Thank you. I know what you are going through as well. You will be in my prayers as you walk this journey.
      Blessings ~ Annette

  5. I understand. It doesn’t matter how many children you have and care for, you will miss the ones you didn’t meet. I never wanted to be done with the baby stage. I loved being pregnant! I loved nursing! I missed it when it was over, but I did get used to the next stage and I now enjoy NOT lugging around the diaper bag. My youngest is 12 now. He was born when I was 43. I lost one after him and a couple more in the middle. I have 8 children on earth and 3-4 in Heaven.

    God knows how to build our families. He uses each joy and sorrow. You will never be the same, but you will be okay. We can trust our Savior’s loving sovereign hands.

    2 Corinthians 1:3-4

    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Sheri.

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