This past week has been difficult. Sometimes I handle it well and other times it sneaks up on me.
It hit like a ton of bricks.
The mother I will never be. Her mother.
This past week I would have been 31 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. And it hit me hard. I’ve seen many friends posting about their new arrivals or the movement they are feeling and it makes me sad. Sad that I’m not feeling our precious Isabelle Faith moving inside me. Sad that I won’t have a new baby to share with the world in a few short weeks.
As much as I wanted our youngest to potty train, that also makes me sad. Now that she is going pee and poo in the potty all on her own – with very few accidents, even at night – the reality that I no longer have a baby in the house hit me square in the eyes.
That was not an emotion I expected. I am thrilled I don’t have to spend my day changing diapers. I really am. But, then I realized…I may never change another diaper on a child of my own. And that made me reflect on the precious babies I have never even held.
I love babies.
I always have.
And I always wanted babies in my house. As many as the Lord allowed. But, I’m not sure I’m ready for this new stage of “no babies” in the house. I’m really not.
I miss the sleepless nights when I held them so close to me.
When they relied on me for everything.
When they were content to lay in my arms and sleep for hours.
And the reality that I may not have that again is difficult to face.
I’m just missing my little girl today.
Wondering if she would look just like the others did when she was born.
Wondering about her personality.
Wondering if the others would have doted on her all day.
Wondering what life would have been like with 5 kids.
I love being a Mom and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And I know this new phase of life has it’s perks. I just wasn’t ready to leave the baby stage. Not quite yet.